


The Colored Night

by AliceSloane13



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: F/F, General Organa - Freeform, Princess Leia - Freeform, Vice-Admiral Holdo - Freeform, amileia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-20
Updated: 2018-02-20
Packaged: 2019-03-21 21:19:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,954
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13749441
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AliceSloane13/pseuds/AliceSloane13
Summary: Post TLJ:Late that evening, Poe nervously approached Leia. Something was off, and she cocked her head curiously as she took in the sight before her. He wouldn’t meet her gaze but kept edging forward a slightly crumpled piece of paper in his hand.Wiping her hands across her cheeks, she brushed away the tears that she felt no shame for showing. She had lost so much in such a short period of time. She couldn't be bothered with the judgments of the living when she felt such a huge part of herself missing. “What is it Poe?” she asked, gesturing for him to come closer.He nodded and swallowed hard. “I found this in my pocket. It’s addressed to you,” he explained, holding out the envelope. “I don’t know what it is.”





	The Colored Night

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this story comes from the song The Colored Night by Blind Pilot. I highly recommend listening to it :)

Late that evening, Poe nervously approached Leia. Something was off, and she cocked her head curiously as she took in the sight before her. He wouldn’t meet her gaze but kept edging forward a slightly crumpled piece of paper in his hand. 

Wiping her hands across her cheeks, she brushed away the tears that she felt no shame for showing. She had lost so much in such a short period of time. She couldn't be bothered with the judgments of the living when she felt such a huge part of herself missing. “What is it Poe?” she asked, gesturing for him to come closer. 

He nodded and swallowed hard. “I found this in my pocket. It’s addressed to you,” he explained, holding out the envelope. “I don’t know what it is.” 

A gentle smile graced Leia’s features, and she nodded knowingly. “Amilyn,” she murmured more to herself than him. 

“Holdo?” Poe asked, confused. 

She nodded. “She must have tucked it in there before they loaded you. I didn’t even see her do it.” She shook her head, laughing at the fact that Amilyn had snuck it past her. She gestured for the letter and held it reverently against her chest. “Thank you, Poe.” 

With that, he was dismissed. Whatever was in the letter Leia wanted to learn in private. Once alone, she turned the envelope over and traced her name in Amilyn’s familiar scrawl. Writing by hand had been something they’d done as teens, a coded way to pass messages that were uniquely theirs. Very few people still wrote by hand. 

Taking a steadying breath, she flipped the envelope over and slid a nail beneath the seal. She unfolded the paper within and began to read the last words Amilyn had left her with. 

***

My Dearest Leia, 

I don't know if we're going to get out of this alive. I don't even know if you're going to wake up. I'm trying to have hope--I am trying. You know that I'm too stubborn to give up. It's just that this time... Things look bleak, and you're not here next to me. I've always been stronger with you by my side. 

If things do turn for the worst, I wanted to get my thoughts down. Maybe someday you'll read them, or maybe someday someone will stumble upon them and wonder who we were, or perhaps they'll be snuffed out right along with us. There's power in words though, and for now, it's all I have left. It's the only way I can still tell you what needs to be said. 

You've always been the one to understand me. Well, maybe not in the beginning. You tried to hide it, but even then I knew you well enough to know that you thought I was crazy. You hid it well behind that front of yours that you slip into when you are dealing with individuals that you don't want to deal with. 

From that first day we met, I knew I loved you. I knew that our lives would be tangled together. Everything about you enraptured me. I thought it was just that I loved who you were, but I realized after a short while that I was in love with you. There would never be anyone but you. 

Even then I knew that you would never be mine. First, there was Kier. Such a tragedy all on its own, but I knew he had made you happy. I saw the way your heart broke, and I vowed then that I would be the very best friend that I could. I couldn’t bring him back to you, but I could make sure you never felt alone. 

Then things just sped up out of control. We'd had one fantastic summer together. Those were some of the happiest days of my life. Yes, there had still been work to do, but we had time together too. Then everything just became so frenzied. I was and have always been yours, but, again, it wasn't the right time. There was too much that needed to be done. Too many other ways that you needed me.

I never told you why I had to leave. Why I chose to fight so far away from you. I couldn't keep watching you rush towards death, so I rushed for you. It was the only thing I could do to keep you safe. Sure you were in danger regardless, but at least it felt like I was doing something that would make you proud. 

By the time I made it back to your side our moment had passed. I was just a moment of friendship between two great loves. Even if you tried to hide your feelings behind that fire of yours--the sarcasm and anger, the temper flaring and the passion that followed--it showed. You were so happy with Han in those days. 

I did try to stay that time. I thought friendship would be enough, and it was for some time. You included me in your life with such an intimacy that sometimes I feared it could become a problem in your relationship. But, Leia, you never let me feel like I was ordinary. When you highlighted our friendship in front of people, my heart could have lit up the world. Those days meant so much to me. 

When Ben was born, I knew I had to leave. I think Luke knew it too. That’s why we really set off to set up his school. It was time for you to focus on your family. We were strong enough to make our own ways. 

Then Ben left to be with Luke. We had drifted apart once more, and it wasn’t until he turned that I heard what happened. I knew I had stayed along too long. It was time to return to you. So I did. I came back, and I remembered my promise to be the best friend I could be. That’s what I focussed on. Making sure that you were okay--or as okay as the time allowed. 

I don’t mean for this to sound like I regret my choices. I have always been my own person. Even you couldn’t stop me from being that. These are the choices that I made that brought me the most happiness. Maybe it wasn’t the lifetime of love that I dreamed of, but it was a lifetime of love that I got, and that was all I needed. You were all I needed. 

Since then we’ve found our way to a familiarity that feels like it’s somewhere between love and friendship. Maybe that was where we always stood. The last few years, they’ve been everything to me. Side-by-side, just like in those early days I have fallen for you all over again. 

You have always been my guiding light. When I wasn’t sure what to do, it was always you I looked to. You’re not going to like it, but I have a plan. One more chance to keep you safe. One more opportunity to protect what you love. One more chance to keep your fight going. I don’t know if I’ll need it yet. 

When the moment comes, just know that I’m confident in what I’m doing. Years ago I asked you to tell me if I should be afraid. Today, I don’t need that from you. Leia, I’m terrified. It may not seem like it, but I am. That doesn’t change anything though. 

I know what needs to be done, though I’m sure if you were here you would argue with me. It’s the right thing. Just remember, that when the moment comes, it will be your face that I see. Your smile that I feel. Your laugh that I hear. I’ve carried you in my heart for a lifetime, and I’ll carry that love with me into whatever comes next. 

I love you, Leia. This is not the end of our story. Someday we’ll be together again. Maybe not in this lifetime, but who’s to say this is our last. You still have a fight to win. You still have an army, albeit a small one, that needs your guidance. My ending is not permission for you to give up. Remember that. You need to fight. Every day. I know you’re tired, and you deserve so much more peace than this life gave you, but your time is not up here. You take them down, and you spread the hope that we’ve always had. You make things better. I need you to do that. I need you to keep going. 

We’re not quitters Leia, we never have been. You’re not allowed to start now. I wish I could be there to tell you this in person. I wish I could be there to push you forward when you feel like giving up. I wish I could be there to love you. Always love you. You’re going to have to fight the end of this battle without me. I just hope that I’ll be able to give you the time you need before it’s too late. 

I don’t have time to write more, to tell you all the things that I wish I could. You’ve always known me so well that maybe you already know. Maybe things will turn out, and I won’t need to have written this at all. I just couldn’t bear the thought of leaving without letting you know. You have always been my spark. You are my greatest hope, my brightest joy. You, Leia, are my heart. Please, please, please keep beating. 

May the force, and my love, be with you,  
Your star girl

***

Leia clutched the letter to her chest and bent over. Tears streamed down her face, and she shoved her knuckles against her mouth, trying to hide the ragged breaths that fought through her lungs. 

Amilyn was gone. Truly and surely, she would never lay eyes on her again. She could still feel her and knew that when Amilyn said she would never leave her, that their story wasn’t over, that they would see each other again one day, was true. It just wasn’t true in a literal sense. 

The cold, hard truth was that Amilyn was gone and Leia had never told her the way she truly felt. She hadn’t deserved her friendship, let alone her love. So often Amilyn had been an afterthought or the leftover bits of her that others left behind. She hadn’t truly devoted herself to loving Amilyn the way she deserved. 

Leia had thought her heart was broken before, but she had been sorely mistaken. Her dear sweet Amilyn was gone. Like a shooting star in the night, she had sacrificed herself for Leia. There was no doubt in her mind that it was for her. Not for the cause, or the troops, or even the future. Of course, those were important reasons, and something Amilyn would fiercely protect and die for, but there was something more profound behind that. Amilyn had, like with every other choice in her life, wanted to give of herself for Leia. 

Sitting back up, Leia walked over to the window and pressed a hand to the glass. She stared out at the stars and wondered if she could do as Amilyn asked. Could she still keep fighting? It felt cruel to deny her friend that final request, but her heart ached. She wanted to go home, to be with the people she loved. The people she lost. 

It just wasn’t her time. “One more fight,” she whispered, hoping that somewhere somehow Amilyn would hear her. “One more fight, and then I’m done,” she promised. It was time to pass the torch.


End file.
